Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
If you pregnant, dont swallow bubblegum….. it stick to ya baby hair….
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.