“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
My flabber has been gasted.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Awwwww shit.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.