Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
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the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this
waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
boss: well, happy Tuesday everybody, you know what Tuesday means!
me: haha yep ti–
boss: tacos!
me: tacos!
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
selfie game
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days