The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
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I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah