Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you