this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
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FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Why is everyone getting married at me
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.