I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
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My boss called in sick of me
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
Why does everyone have to hold their NYE party on the same bloody night?
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
Simple
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
i sent all my sims to universitey & they all became computer scientists & proved they were living in a simulation so i unpluged my computor
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit