Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
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Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Me, flirting😏
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31