‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
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A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.