I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.
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I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.