At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
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Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.