My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
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I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.