If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
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everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.