fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
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Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
this is literally a CIA plant
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.