Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
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Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
I found your tweet-up…
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*