Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
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I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Anxiety = waiting to see if the middle seat will stay unoccupied as people are boarding your flight.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Fitness instructor: Let’s suffeeeer!
Me: Can we just, think this through for a second?