I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
You Might Also Like
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.