Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
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Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?