DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
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ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese