Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
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Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
the official breakfast of 2021
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
how it started vs how it ended
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”