me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
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Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
📽️movie date🎞️
At least he brought enough for everyone
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?