Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
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millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
this chia pet tastes awful
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.