Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
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Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝