My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
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I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
these two trucks have the same bed length
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
A Jurassic Park movie where nothing goes wrong just 2 of the employees fall in love & later a baby dino is the ring bearer at their wedding
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates