I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
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[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.