My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
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I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
God, I love Scotland
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏