I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
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They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
the short answer to this question
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty