*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
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Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
Life is always one step forward, two steps back…Then slide to the left…Slide to the right. CRISS CROSS!!!
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?