[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
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Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
Has science gone too far?
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.