Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
You Might Also Like
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
What my back needs
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.