[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
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I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now