[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
you stereotypes are all alike
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.