I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
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Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:
Samwise’s Lord of the Wings
Tyler Durden’s Chowder House
Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)
Short Round’s Tempura of Doom
Hannibal’s
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
lost dog
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems