With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
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I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.