Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
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Travel bloggers during quarantine
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception