“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
[Driving back from the petting farm]
5: They didn’t have duckies this time, but they had baby pigs!
[remembering the Smuggled Duckiling Incident from months earlier, I slam on brakes]
Me: IS THERE A BABY PIG IN THIS CAR
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Me: Daddy’s going out today. So I’ll see you tomorrow.
Kids: Okay!
———————————
Mummy: I’m going upstairs to pee.Kids: NOOOOOO!!! WHYYYYY?!?! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!! THE WORLD IS ENDIIIIIING!!!
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
A family that plays together cheats.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
*cough*
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss