I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
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“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.