STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
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Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.