Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
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The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word