I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
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People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
🤣😈🤣
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk