When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
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Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
This trial is so absurd 😭
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
you’re so productive for your wage
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.