I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
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My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
For cardio I live beyond my means.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Simple enough.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”