Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
My apartment is a mess, I should move
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.