Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
You Might Also Like
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
How to woo a woman
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
me irl
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.