I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play