asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
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[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Morning.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.