If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
🏙👨🏼
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Bit chilly again tonight.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?