As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
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I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
The government even made aliens boring
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle