Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
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Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
What ever happened to simple filters like Black and white or Sepia? Now I need to choose from Funfetti Hufflepuff or Pixie Rave Donkey Punch.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.