Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
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According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
{last supper}
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
How do horror writers compete with current events?
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser